Something that also made it difficult to write the past few months - it's been a dark few months for the world at large, and especially for the ummah. The tragedies struck across the world, from Chapel Hill, Paris, Nigeria, Somalia, and other corners of the earth that don't have the publicity of CNN or BBC's cameras. To call it a dark time is to possibly over simplify it.
And perhaps, despite how hard this at times made it to write, I probably should have, even more so because of how hard and sad it was. I am going to make a concerted effort to do that in the future. It's easy for voices of reason, voices of normalcy, even voices of truth to be drowned out by the clamor, and it's imperative that they aren't.
But I'm keeping this one light so I can slowly transition into writing again (and because, in the face of pain and turmoil, I use humor as the ultimate defense mechanism and deflection).
I meant to write this back on February 18th, which would mark one year of me wearing the hijab, in sort of an anniversary celebration. But since that day is long past, we'll have to settle for a fifteen-month-anniversary celebration:
10 [More] Things People Will Say to You When You Wear a Hijab
The O.G. article I wrote last year is here
1. "Did your husband make you do this?" and/or "Did you do this so you could get married?"
This one is probably the most common of all on the list and probably the most irking, honestly, to me personally. I can only think it is connected to the fact that I'm "white" and my husband is "not white" (He's Afghan, specifically, but the people who ask this that don't often know that - they just know he isn't "white" as it is constructed to be in our society, i.e. pale, Christian, with a name like Chad). People automatically assume, therefore, I suppose, that the hijab was a stipulation of his marrying me. Like he would not accept me for the person I am, but would require me to change a huge part of who I am (problem number one) and that I would be willing to do this (problem number two).
As for problem number one: I am not naive to pretend that there are not men out there who would have such a stipulation - and that is 100% between them and their wives and is often born of cultural norms, not religious norms. Let me repeat that: cultural, not religious norms. My husband is not one of those men - in fact, none of the women in his immediate or even extended family wear hijab except to pray or to go to the masjid. And he was incredibly supportive when I came to him last year and told him my decision to begin wearing it.
I'll repeat that, too: my decision. That's the second part of this problem. It was my decision. And funnily, a lot of the people who assume I would only do this because I was being forced or pressured or blackmailed into it by a man are playing into the exact stereotype they are latently criticizing: that women don't have any agency over their lives or appearances. They assume a woman would only do it to please a man, not because she has her own convictions. It's an irony I've gotten really sick of and it's hard not to audibly sigh when someone says this.
2. *anything and everything about my hair*
This one is funnier than anything, and usually comes from people I know pretty well but who have not known me before I started wearing the hijab, who are in the end just curious. It ranges from How long is your hair? to How often do you wash your hair? to What color is your hair? and goes on. I've found the best way to counter this is jokingly ask equally odd personal questions like Do you have back hair? (to men) and How often do you shave your legs? (to women).
3. "So what do you think of ISIS?"
I mean...what does any sane person, Muslim or not, think of ISIS? I laid out my thoughts as completely as I could here, but in short: I think they are evil. What probably separates me from some of the people asking this question is I know they are not Muslims. To quote my brother in Islam Lupe Fiasco, "murder is not Islam/and you are not observant/and you are not a Muslim." Take 'em to church - er, the masjid - Lupe.
4. "If you have a daughter, will you [or your husband] make her wear a hijab?"
To be fair, I have considered this question myself, and my husband and I have discussed it. Fortunately, it was a fairly easy conversation because we have the same opinion on the matter (I stress, opinion: not all Muslims feel this way, and we can only speak for how we feel and how we plan to raise our children when they arrive, iA).
Firstly, we both feel that the hijab is not something meant for children. Some Muslims disagree, but I look at it like this - the hijab is to help make a woman modest, to protect her sexuality, essentially. To put a hijab on a child, in my opinion, is to sexualize that child (similar to, oddly enough, putting make up on a child: it makes them appear older and implies they have reached sexual maturity). Right or wrong, we both feel this way, so our future daughter will not be permitted to wear a hijab as a child (unless in the masjid or while praying).
Secondly, even when she does reach puberty, or her late teens, if she comes to us and wants to start wearing the hijab, we will not give an immediate yes. Unfortunately for our future children, my husband and I are very good at playing the devil's advocate, and we're not easily swayed. She will have to have compelling reasons beyond the fact that I wear a hijab, or her friends do, or she loves the way it looks. It has to come from an informed, sincere place in her heart because it is not something to be taken lightly.
But all of this is hypothetical: the bottom line is, I can't tell the future. I don't know what my future daughter, if I am so blessed, will feel and if she will even want to wear a hijab or if she won't (I know there's a lot of things my mother did that I did the opposite of just for that reason). But if she does wear the hijab, it will be an informed decision she made on her own.
5. "What are you trying to prove?"
This is in the a more ignorant vein, and usually comes from an opponent of the hijab (or Islam generally). As if I am trying to get attention, or make some kind of statement beyond the fact that I love my religion, love my prophet, love my God, and want to live the best life possible. I guess if that's "something to prove," then I do have a lot to prove. You win, bigots.
6. "Wow, you are making such a sacrifice!"
The worst part about this is it's usually meant to be supportive or complimentary, but it kind of sounds a lot like number one on this list to me and really grinds my gears. To me, nothing about this is a sacrifice. I love wearing a hijab. I can honor my God and show the love I have for my faith every day, and the physical act of putting on and wearing a hijab reminds me to be my best self - and in this world, that is a huge help and blessing. Not to mention, this again implies subtly that I wear the hijab for anyone else besides myself and my beliefs. Nah, son.
7. "Seeing you wear a hijab makes me sick."
Unfortunately, this was said to me by more than one person. And it hurts, not because I feel self conscious but because by saying this, this person has so completely shut themselves off to anything I have to say, my most earnest explanations that this is actually liberating, not oppressive, and that I am happy. So, so happy. But at the end of the day, that becomes their choice. Just like the hijab is my choice. So to these people I simply say: I'mma do me.
8. "So is it true Muslims worship pigs/don't let women drive/hate Christians/don't believe in Jesus/etc?"
As bizarre as some of these questions have been (I've gotten all of the above and more), I don't mind it so much. I look at it as an opportunity to educate someone who has a misconception about Islam. Even if it is equivalent to using a teaspoon to measure the ocean, I usually make a concerted effort to correct or explain any question I can about Islam, so that at least one more person might see the reasonable, human side of it, even as FOX news blares in the background painting all Muslims to be savages. And honestly, I think people appreciate it. I had a coworker once say in a meeting that he felt his life was richer for having the chance to work with myself and another Muslim colleague because he got exposure to a culture and religion he knew nothing about previously. Hopefully I can do more than just contextualize how inaccurate Homeland is for the people I encounter in my life, but even if I can't, that's enough.
9. "Do you really think God cares about what you wear on your head?"
I mean...yeah. That's...kind of the whole point? Maybe He doesn't care if I go with solid or plaid or stripes or polka dots, but just like every other person who is religious, I do believe God appreciates our good deeds and it does matter. Whether it's wearing a hijab, abstaining from pork and alcohol for Muslims, or for Catholics attending mass and taking communion, God does care. Believe it or not, I think he cares even about people who don't care about him - maybe even more.
10. *acknowledgement from women of other faiths who are also covered*
This is one of my favorite things. My heart still swells when fellow hijabis acknowledge me, and recently, after moving to an area with a large Amish and Mennonite population, I have noticed a phenomenon where those women (who are also called in their religion to wear a head covering) will also give me a knowing nod and smile. Because real recognize real, yo.
No, but truly - when so much of the world and especially this country is so myopic and intolerant, it makes me so, so happy to see someone accept and appreciate something different than what they already know. That is the only way there will ever be any kind of peace, and every time it happens my cold, cold heart melts a little and I can feel the warmth of hope.
